She got a very heart-breaking message, a message that changed all of her life. It was one of those messages that you ask the messengers 'are you sure you were told to deliver at this address?' it was all she wished for herself but at the same time it was not what she actually was ready for, you know when you think you want something but when it's time to recieve you just want to change your mind but you find out it's TOO LATE!. She sits down today asking.....God why? where did i go wrong? what next? where do i go from here?. She can't remeber what a smile looks like. Depression knows her by name, bitterness walks around the park with her hand-in-hand daily, confusion resides in the warmth of her heart, guilt sends a bouquet of flowers to her every morning unfailingly.
I sit down every minute of the day asking questions that almighty google has no answers whatsoever to. I find solace when i sleep without those midnight interuptions that wake me up the minute i happen to fall asleep after alot of conversations between myself and my heart. I try to laugh during the day in order to maintain a little sanity. I ask myself what words i should say to her? what does she want to hear? why did this happen? does she deserve it? Why does God always pick the best rose in the garden? What is the right thing to do? Alot of conflicts go through my head. It is one thing to prepare for a journey and another thing to actually embark on this journey. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!! am i even making any sense? Madness has slowly started creeping into my heart, please bear with me!
Crying tears....tears of pain, guilt, pressure, confusion, insecurities amongst many others. I want to help, i want to be there, i want to be a source of happiness. I hate all of this. Like an ocean without it's waves, so is she without laughter. Everyone around is choosing selfishness over selflessness. Everyone is airing their views that do nothing but pile up more complications. Like broken pieces of fine china, her life has been scattered into fragments of fear, indecisivness and confusion. She is scared of life. She took the boldest steps ever that till next year i still lie to myself i would have done. She came face-to-face with the devil himself, she is not armed to fight this war, don't get me wrong but she chose to run her race and stand out, even if it meant she stood alone. I was impressed!
She needs to hear words of affirmation, words of encouragement, words that will restore the strength she deposited in her fight with Hell. She needs to know after the rain, the sun will shine. God did not bring her this far to let her go, she questions God, nature is no respecter of persons. I need to get myself together. What happened to LOVE? where did she go? does she not know that she is needed right now? So i was looking for a solution and stubbled upon this poem.:
After the Storm
The storms may come And limbs may break Yet others bend Beneath the weight-- Of heavy rain And windy breeze... A storm can mark The strongest trees.
Life sometimes deals With us this way; In unseen trials We meet each day. It's not how much our bodies break Or how much they may bend; It's our outlook in our own life That helps our spirits mend.
I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY love her (no homo) just pure divine love. If she is not happy, best believe i do not have a smile on my face either. She needs to learn to Love again. Life is trying to frustrate her but she needs to look beyond it all and choose to be strong and happy. At the end of every tunnel, there is light abi? I need to make her stand infront of a mirror daily and confess:
~I CAN DO THIS~
~I AM ABLE~
~I AM BOLD AS A LION~
~STRENGTH IS MY AMOUR~
~THIS IS MY RACE AND YES I AM GOING TO RUN TILL THE FINISH LINE~
~FOR ME TO FAIL, GOD WILL HAVE TO FAIL, AND GOD NEVER FAILS, SO I CANNOT FAIL~
She has hit rock bottom and is at her lowest state in life, i don't think she will ever face anything with so much gravity as this and i am willing to stand at the finish line and cheer her because she has done well. In life, we all fall at a point, what determines victory is if we rise and YES she is going to rise. Darkness never lasts forever, though some nights seem like morning has forgotten its place.
My heart is heavy but i am strong. Defeat respects me because i will conquer it. All this will pass. If you are going through anything, have the assurance that it would not last too long She wishes for death to come and end this misfortune but is that the answer? She is scared of being strong, of waking up to happiness someday.
~~~~~~~~~~I will end this post by dropping a few encouragement quotes!
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown
"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can." ~ Unknown
Am out people...i pray you have a happy filled week!...xxxxx
...mmmmm He had the brightest smile ever, He walked like he controlled the world with every footstep, I would forever remeber that trail of fragrance he dropped as he walked by, lets talk about the Magical African Swagg....this brother was fully endowed! Those lips that whispered breath-taking NOTHINGS! Magnificent.....Mr.I-would-be-there-Always! Just when i began to inhale him into my system.....I got infected. I invited him into my heart but he came with a couple of friends, (Lying & Cheating)
HE PROMISED ME FOREVER!!!!
I was the trusting to a fault girlfriend, believe me i trusted in every sense of the word. As worn-out as the phrase is about the kind of people that if they told you good morning, open ur curtains and look outside for yourself just to be sure. He believed he was the best thing that heaven dropped to earth after micro-waves! He dwelt on the opinion that the world revolved around him. Very controlling i must say, the kind of Beast that if you were engaged in any kind of argument and for some reason you were at fault, he would open his mouth to tell you "Shut-up" and you had dared not to open your mouth for the sanity of yourself. At the very same time he had a sweeeetttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tongue...asin if this boy was to convince you on something, you will zero out anything anybody wants to tell you and believe JUST his own story!
What happened to me? where did i fall off track? i used to be the kind of girl people classified as 'heartless' but if only they knew what i was facing, but i STILL DIDN'T LET GO! .... my self esteem used to be at its peak and i took no rubbish from any one prior to this great mistake in my life (did i just say mistake?....nope, it was a great learning experience for me and i loved every bit....AFTER I HOPPED OUT) lol. People used to ask me what was wrong with me? was i blinded or was it Jazz (Ju-Ju). I got alot of threatning calls from mysterious girls all along saying...'if by tomorrow i hear you are still dating ******* i will kill you' SHUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! na me b dis? but as usual, his name always sounded so good because it was always in someones mouth, he always lied about girls being on his case like he was the only male creature on the face of the earth. I still held on...U go fear Juliet fighting for Romeo now!
I will live to remember a day i was asked by a good friend of mine if i was still dating this guy, and in my happiest state of mind that day, ofcourse i told her yes PROUDLY without even thinking about it, to my disappointment, she told me she had a conversation with him and he told her we broke up! (Chimmmoooooo) I really was a stupid and crazy somebody, even me sef when i sit down n think of that phase of my life i ask whether my brain was on strike. Who was he to deny me? I am Pricele$$, no girl on the surface of this earth that crosses his path will have my patience. I am not swearing o, it's just that Karma..........hmmmmmmmm....u know now! He was so sweet i must admit, maybe that's what obstructed my view of reality and left me sinking in an ocean of 'Love'.
He was going through so much in his life, so i permited some of his rubbish.I had this drive in me that i would be different from other girls he dated and i will Stand Out no matter what happend.I felt it was my responsibility to be there for him and offer a hand of friendship when life ran him over couple of times. It crushed my when he messed up but i got back on my feet and moved on. I will never forget the day when we were chatting around 2am one faithful day, me being generally open and laughing and having no secrets to reveal because he knew everything there was to know about me, when he went quiet for a while....ahn ahn! i thought to myself what happened to this chatter-box that never knew how to turn down his volume?....he went all of a sudden quiet! then he said he needed to tell me something.
Him: Baby!.....Please don't get angry withh me!
Him: I have been keeping this in my mind for soo mong but it's hunting me down because i know how honest you are to me.
Me: Okay, stop speaking parables to me and lay the matter on the table right now!
Him: Baby I am soo sorry, please forgive me, i did not mean to.....I know you will get angry but please don't be angry baby! (HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....don't baby me oo...i Know what's comin)
Me: Can you please tok to me? its 2.30am and my eyes are getting shut!
Him: I............................had sex with her.
Me: hehehehheh......with WHO?? ( I had warned him about some girl that was getting too close for comfort a while ago and as usual he said she was all up in his space and he was tryna resist her)
Me: (Boiling soooo hard, an egg would have been cooked in 5secs)...Goodnyt
(Signout of MSN)
He gave me the dumb excuse that he was drunk and the POOR GIRL climbed on him.
I lay soo cold in my bed that night:Questions..... where did i go wrong? was i over bearing? was he taking advantage of me? could it be a problem he had?...always wanting to sleep around. should i break-up? should i stay? was this part of the plan?
I was warning him but he did not listen to me WHAT HAPPENED TO FOREVER??? So many things ran through my mind that night, i slept after a while. I did not speak to him for a few days for him to remember i had feelings aswell and i was not a door mat that u come and clean your legs on when u wanna waka outsyde. It was pain -FUll but i swallowed it after a while and took him back after a while. I thought to myself, This MUST be love. He was the happiest person (or so i thought) when i took him back...Only God knows the number i was on his queue of ladies...Bless my heart...sob** I was at a point where i could not even talk to my best friend because she already classified me as Stupid....100% ode sef! I did not listen to any one, i ran my relationship MY WAY! until ofcourse i hit rock-borrom! and trust me i hit it HARD! We made plans of out imaginable future together, how many kids, you being in your music/acting whatever industry while the runway was my playground....OOOOO dem days!....when you will send me love songs and i will sing them till my voice got all crusty! u use to call me your model!
But to God be The Glory!(Yuuulllzzzz, some naija film effects) You are not fooling me ANYMORE! asin kaiii! me sef i wonder what happend to me because like a veil was taken away from my eyes. I cant imagine how many people that tried talking to me felt when they were trying to wake me up(bless their hearts)special shout-out to *I dono how to insert links yet* but to www.iamshh.blogspot.com. i am sure if i was within reach, she would have slapped and knocked and shouved alot of sense into me. (U are much appreciated) What i honestly weep for right now is the poor girl you are with ....the same one you cheated on me with...she is hurt on a daily basis but she does not know the way out, because you LIE! but someday, she will see the light and RUN into it!. I learnt so much after that experience, it was a bitter-sweet time. And being the kind of person i am, i do not like to be warned though i will take note of what you say, i still like to take chances and see for myself, afterall your judgements may be wrong! in this case they were right but ofcourse i learnt my way!. But for now, my heart is on break till Jan,1 2010. :) So after that experience i never wanna hear the 'F' word for a longggggggggggggggggggggggggg minute! All prospective lovers, please coin out a new term as i would not be entertained with the 'F' word!
I am outtttt!!! P.S: Pray for my dear Caramel, she has shoppinlitis and there are no drugs that are working for her! Bloggatedly Yours! Chocolate!...xxxxxxxx (I tried to elongate my post today..)
ok ok ok....i am FINALLY admitting to this: I AM A MAD ASS SHOPAHOLIC!!! There! i said it!!!! ok no,no for real its bad, and it gets worse everyday!
I am obsessed with spending money and shopping. I don't know how to stop. I have been this way for a long tym nowwww. Every credit card I have is maxed out, and yesterday i spent **** (u dont wanna know!). Btw i only went in 2 the shop with the intention to buy a scarf and i ended up lavishing my 'ego!' Going to the mall or even to super markets o, imagine! it's very hard for me, not when I get there but because I think of going all the time. My friends practically drag me out of shops, it's quite embarassing though but they can't stand it too. My cousin tries to keep track of how i spend, she calls me everyday to ask what i bought, and DUH i LIE!! When I am at school, I think of going to buy things. When I am at home, I think of things i need(basically things i want :)....) and things i know i dont need and I must go and get them.
I don't know how to stop, and I don't know why I am like this. I have 147 pairs of pants. That is only a tiny amount compared to the number of tops i have bought recently :-S...not like i even need them all...i have so many in my wardrobe i can't even remember ever buying! kmt.. so many shoes i cnt even wear and i dont even remember why i bought them in the 1st place!i've tried hiding my card but it dnt work (stupid i no)lol...bt what the hell can i do anyway??, its in me!!! Wen i know all i have to do is swipe my card..hehehe.. ok on the real, i NEED to stop! Please, if you have any advice for me, or anyone does, I really need help. I have never heard of anything like this, but I know my wanting to shop like this can't be normal.
I hide things I buy but it has gotten to the point that I can't anymore. I have also lied about where the items I buy come from or how much they were to my boyfriend and my bestfriend (im sowi chocol8! i cudnt afford to tell you the truth!). Can you imagine my boyfriend says he is gonna collect my card and give me money weekly (yh ryte lyk dats possible, he even spends more than i do). My boyfriend searched my room yesterday and i got caught..hehehe, it was funny!... Mehn nufin seems to be working for me ryte now o... ANY SUGGESTIONS?????? HELP!!!
Blogattedly posted by: Caramel.. P.S: id rili do with suggestions and advice pls!
Why is it okay for you to get mahd but i don't have those equal rights?
Where is my Caramel?
Who understands me?
Why wouldn't school start so i'm always occupied?
I do not need a man to make me happy.....RIGHT?
Why are they irritating me?
Why is she adding to my problems??
Does she know her worth?
Does she think am tripping over unnecessry stuff?
I want to sleep and wake up in august...(maybe not)! ....well just sleep and nothing else!
I want to go shopping to forget this!
I miss my daddy.....i miss him saying 'u will be okay!'.....'u will make it!'....R.I.P!
Maybe i should start an excercise class and kick rocks or maybe punch it all out!
WHY me?.....am i too quiet?
Okay maybe am ranting a bit too much but sorry....MY FINGERS HAVE THE POWER!
What happened to my slogan...'Never let your emotions run over your intentions?'
Maybe i should go and put on make-up and take pictures .....JUST BECAUSE!
nahhh!.....let me look for my fone right now.(i lost it so no one calls to irritate me more)
Okay....i need to BREATHE SLOW....count from 1-10 with my eyes closed....COMPOSURE:::
Read my Bible?
Okay blogsville.....let me be productive and stop being a cyber junkie!
Hope you all have a wonderful week and don't let any MAGA stand in your way o!!!
I FORGOTTTTTTTTTT TO WRITE!!! Why don't girls know their worth? You are dating a guy but still sulking over your ex boyfrend that is avoiding you, how does that work? When you opened your mouth to speak, he always shut you up. You are complaining about him being a bit too close to some girls and he opens his dryyyy mouth to tell you 'i can't help it' WHAT THE HECK? did he just say that to you? My father taught me that i am an EXPENSIVE child and no one should make me sweat for 1 day. (Yeah he loves/d me like that)Why do you settle for less when you can get more than what you have?.....Ah! whats even worse is when i m told 'you just don't know him!' REALLLY??? when will i know him? is it when he starts Chris Brownin u and what not?my own is just that i am tired of being a love doctor, i do not have a boyfrend and my life is hitch-free and i refuse to be in the middle of your issues! i warn you every other day but no...that fool just does not have a heart,she does not understand! okay ooo! i don't wanna know again. When you finnally wake up and smell the Frapuccino, holla al me! Love us blind abi?....Keep one eye open ejjjooo! i Can't and will NOT shout!. PLEASEE KNOW YOUR WORTH! BTW why do guys cheat when theor girlfriend is a full meal with an extra bag of chips?(Post for another day).....Am OUT!
On a serious note, What is really happening to the world, to people, to both young and old? I have been reflecting on alot of stuff lately and i have noticed that God has all of a sudden become a BIG joke to the world. What happened to the days when as kids, it was friday but you were already disturbing mum about the preety dress she bought recently that you were going to wear on sunday? When you could not wait to go and get snacks from church and see your friends.....the times when you were first i the whole house to wake up from sleep on sunday morning (even before the security guard)? when you were all jumpy and excited on the thought that it was FINAAAAAAAAALY sunday! that was the time you had a big smile on your face through out the day and for some the next few days.It's really sad that many people that grew up i a christian family open their mouths today in sincerity to ask if God really exists. What happened to the days when you did not care on how true the fact that you were told "Jesus loves you" but as far as your sunday school teacher mentioned it, that settled it. Where did your faith go? Remember there was a point in your life when you did not have any complications on faith whatsoever the case may be or you believed God is good because the Bible said so.
Some days ago i was just on a little chill time with my girls when i saw this guy with about three ladies all to himself (and NO they were not his sisters i promise), he was feeling all sexy and fly with his sagged pants quarter-to-drop, chain blinging and such, i couldn't care less as that was the way he chose to live but what got my attention was the fact that he had a pink rosary on his neck (the catholic prayer bead) and he had a pink shirt on. I immediately thought to myself ' SWEET JESUS!!!the rosary has all of a sudden become a fashion accessory.' The next day, I was walking and i saw a t-shirt that read....
I understood it was created for comedy but what i still question is if the person really know what he was doing. It really isnt a funny issue that we no longer respect or have that 'fear' of God. Everyone wants to be 'big', it's sad that church is now looked down on. Few days ago i was talking to one of my girls on a video i saw on facebook titled 'don't waste your life',the conversation went along the lines of; ME: i just watched a vid on facebook o! 'dnt wastee your life' did you see it?
HER: yeah! i was trying to watch it and it was just crap.
ME: You should see it o it reali makes sense, atleast itl make you ponder an set you back on track just as it did for me.
HER: okay lemme see it....... (few mins later)
HER: abeg its preaching i dnt even get the point.
ME: it's a song o madam. But don't you sometymes feel like your wasting your life? i've been feeling like that lately. Like i know where i want to go when we rapture but is that really where i am going? i've been asking myself...
HER: Please jist me aanything abeg am bored.
ME: no i want to talk about this its important
HER: abeg!....Buzz me when you finish talking. I could not believe this was the same person that i grew up with and we use to meet every sunday in church and have all the choreoraphed dances together. Inasmuch as we hate thinking about God, we should grow up and face it, he is REAL! I do not want to be stammering when God asks me what i did with my life on earth or what i did with the talent he gave me. It is very alright to be a christian and be cool. You do not have to be smoking the 'good stuff' and playing all the girls you set your eyes on to acquire that title. Life is a journey and not a destination, the destination will be determined when God has asked you all he wants to know and God forbid for God to look anyone reading this in the eye and say 'I never knew you' and cast you into the lake of eternal fire.
It's a choice you have. The same girl i was talking to told me that she has to live life now and when Judgement day comes, God will have mercy on her so what the hell. i did not battle with her because she knows what is right but she is making the effort to be 'cool' according to the worlds standards. What i cannot stand are double-faced girls. A girl that goes to the same school as me is 'supposed' to be good, her mother was to come visit (and she knew ho her momma trained her to be) and so she called me and was panting like she had jus seen a ghost to ask me if she could please come and keep some of her clubbing clothes in my room as her mother would tear her bum off if she sighted them. i was like why do you put yourself through this? is it really worth it? know who you are and live up to all your parents brought you up to be.
God listens!! he is actually waiting for many people to give him the wheels of their lives and sit back and let him take care of your journey. No matter how bad you may think you have been or what not, give him a brief chance to show himself off to you. So many hurdles you try to jump over but can't because God has not given you the strenght and you can't do it alone till you let him do his part. Get back to where you use to be. When you use to carry a big heart on your chest with a cross in the middle from your sunday school class to remind you that God loves you and actually gave his life up JUST for you.
::::::I LUFF ALL OF UNA MANY MANY O, BUT THE KOKO BE SAY JESUS LUFF UNA PASS:::::::